im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
soo... how was my night?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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