Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
