You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
