please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
