life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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