I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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