I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
