We're facebook friends in real life
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
