Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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