I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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