so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
