how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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