I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
