if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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