The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
