I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
