fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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