Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
