So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
