you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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