I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
