Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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