i just wanna soil my oats bro
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
