I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I deserve this hangover.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
