i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
