I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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