Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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