How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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