I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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