Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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