Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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