I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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