Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
