the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?