I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
