I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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