My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
