I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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