Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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