I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
