Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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