I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
