I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
