in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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