I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
