I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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