When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
