my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
