I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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