Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
