if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I think my fart just growled at me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
