when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
