with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
