i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
