ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
